The cycle.

I’ve found myself wondering from time to time, is life like something from ‘the truman show’ ? Are we all just little ants in a world way beyond our own imaginations? 

People search everyday, thousands… millions search online looking for answers for questions. Questions that range from things such as a daily chore, from day to day life to questions that can adapt the mind, that can educate us, that can leave us intrigued. The amount of times i’ve asked Google the question, ‘What is love?’ Or ‘What should i do if…’ Its a machine, it’s a search engine that a genius human being has created, that a person just like you and I, has made millions upon millions of dollars for… and rightly so. 

But… still, a person can make a machine, make technology that can answer such a phrase or question within 0.0003 something seconds, a person can design and create such an amazing thing. Yet, they don’t have the answers themselves. No-one does. Everyones idea is soo far-fetched, so distorted and so unrealistic from the next. Everyones idea is completely different from the next. One of my wants in life is to travel the world to meet different people, to learn from each person i meet and encounter in every walk in life and i can guarantee that each man will give me a completely different answer from the next. I know that one man will say love is money, the next his pet, the next his wife, the next his car, the next his lover etc. Everyone, brought up different from the next with a different mind and a different set of ideas. Everyone with a different idea on love.

Mine personally changes with the days. 

Today i realised, lifes like a cycle. Relationships CAN, not always but they CAN develop a cycle. For example; my ex boyfriend when we first met, was the most amazing, charming, insightful and intelligent man i’d ever met, he promised me the moon and the stars and he told me all the things i wanted to hear, then a few years later, he decided that the things that he fell in love with me for were the exact same reasons why he didnt like me or want me then. And now, my boyfriend of 13 months seems to be suffering the same syndrome. I wonder if its me. I wonder if im doing something wrong. He promised me the world, couldnt get enough of me and couldnt hold me tight enough and now, 13 months later he holds me once a day because I ASK him to and he can seriously get enough of me! Things that he loved about me then arent good enough now.

So after hours of thought and self-doubt i decided, its not my fault. I never once put myself across to these men as anything other than i am, ive always been and always will be the same girl who would quicker run into the pouring rain in a t-shirt to dance about like a complete freak than sit in a salon getting my nails done. 

Relationships for me, have a cycle. So does life and there is frick all that we can do about it apart from learning from others and what they think life and love is.

P.s; who CARES if i want to sit with the remote in my hand while watching T.V its something i can control and i will control it!

‘Time waits for no-one.’

If i could turn back time and i had the opportunity to take all the things that went wrong in my life and make them right, i wouldn’t. I would do everything all over again and i wouldn’t change a thing. For many different reasons;
Firstly, each and every experience.. bad and good.. has made me the person i am.
Secondly, with regards to my previous relationship, i would never know what real love is.
Thirdly, i would  not understand the hurt that overcomes us when things fall apart, and with that not realize the joy that follows when things get better shortly after.

I’ve went through a few terrible ordeals over the last week or so, things that i have told very few people and only people i can trust. I am at a place in my life were nothing is perfect. I’m officially unemployed, i’ve left education, i’m still dealing with a few losses within my family circle and the loss of my last partner, my new relationship which i thought WAS perfect, is in fact flawed… like everything else. My family are not as perfect as they once seemed, personal issues are making me less and less perfect as the days go on and all in all, i’m finding things very difficult to deal with right now.

I was sat in my own world wondering how i was feeling, how i was coping, how i was going to deal with everything that is going on in my life and i remembered that writing (Or typing) was one of those ways. The reason i started blogging initially was because from a very young age, i would write about how i was feeling into an A4 file block or a diary. I would come up with ways to take stuff that was swimming around in my mind for hours every night and put it onto a page into a cupboard and forget about it until the next hurdle. Automatically, as soon as i put pen to paper my problems seemed to become smaller. I let a few people read things i had written before, i have been told a number of times that the way i put my emotions across on paper is powerful, it is a skill i only recently knew i possessed and it is something i’m very proud of. SO, when i was going through a terrible break up a year and a half ago, i took all of those thoughts and suppressed feelings and instead of taking it from my mind and onto paper, storing it into a cupboard i thought i would share it with the internet. I thought i would type up a blog so that MAYBE someone out there struggling with the same thing i was would find some sort of comfort, that they weren’t alone with how they were feeling and it does get better.

But recently, i realised.. it’s always one thing after another. So, although i’m sat here now, feeling a bit down and hard done by. I’m quite sure.. by next week i’ll be perfectly fine again. It’s just one of those things guys!

That’s life.

But here’s a picture of me and my new partner at the park.

(ON A GOOD DAY!)
 Stacebaked©

To love like it’s forever.

I never thought it was possible, to have someone love you for you. No changes, no sacrifices, no complications. Everything is perfectly genuine and beautiful. We never fight, we talk. We never shout, we whisper. We never cry, we laugh. We understand eachother and appreciate eachother in every way possible. We’re perfect for eachother. If God nitted a single person on the planet, they nitted him for me, every inch of his mind, body and soul.

This time last year, i never thought i would love again, i cried myself to sleep every night because i had genuinely convinced myself that in a single persons life time, there is only one true love and that true love in my eyes was the guy who had torn my heart out time after time, made me feel worthless and pathetic every single day and he was giving all the love that was made for me, to some other girl who probably didnt deserve it.  This completely destroyed me. It destroyed me for a full year. 
Then, just out of the blue, one snowy day in december. The most beautiful guy in this entire universe walks into my life and makes my life completely amazing. He’s spontaneous, romantic, passionate, strong, caring and above all this loves me more than i ever or he ever thought was possible.
I love him in a different way, in a more healthy way and he makes me feel beautiful everyday and secure.

I’m happy

‘For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and deep you never want to come up for air. ’

Something new.. Something exciting.

On the 4th of december something happened, something i just thought was a normal thing at the time. I went on a date, expeciting the same old average date, the same old average person.. the same old average chit chat and maybe even a little average kiss. And then bang.. here he was. MISTER RIGHT.

We’ve been together ever since. We both sincerely believe we were made for each other it is completely ridiculous!

I have never connected with anyone on this level before. I have never grew with someone soo fast and soo unexpectedly.
He is perfect for me and i am perfect for him. Not one complaint. Not even the slightest. He spoils me rotten, gives me all the attention that i need, all the respect and appreciation. He is the right kind of stumped about all this. We’re just completely in sync.

We’ve been together just less than 2 months and we’re already falling in love. It’s quite hard to explain. But all that matters is that i am happy, i am complete.

Jason Boyd <3 My hero. I’ve never had one of those before.

Silliest places.

It’s the silliest places that remind me, and guys… im sure you’re all the same. The street you first kissed, the place where you used to sit for hours and talk nonsense, the place where you ran away because they said something that offended you. The most random of places, and as you pass… for that moment, you cant breathe because you remember how much love you had for this person at that one moment in time and its over whelming and in some cases, major hard to deal with.
Today in a random cubicle, in a random toilet, in a random pub, these random words on a random door.
‘This is more.. than i care to remember.’

Those words are beautiful, they’re sensational and to anyone with a broken heart… the answer.
We should learn to forget the things we cant bare to remember and thats the bottom line.

Stacebaked© *Not including images.

Excitement.

Cravin’ some excitement today, someone to sweep me off my feet. Someone to enter my life and change everything for the best. Someone new, someone fresh, confident and exciting.

Someone to make me fall in love… again.

‘I think i’m ready, ready to run, to trip and to fall. Head over heels in love with you.’

Stacebaked © *Images not included.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting over a break up.

Today. I was about to type ‘for a while now’, but it’s not been… for a while. It’s been for over a year now.. I’ve been struggling. I read about people that get over their lost loves within a week. I listen to friends, colleagues.. aquaintances speak about their lost loves like, it was years ago. They’re completely over them. Me on the otherhand, 2 days ago (the 15th of october 2011.) would have been our 4 year anniversary. It’s soo weird. Everything is soo weird without him. I can barely find the words to explain it, to explain how i feel. So i wont explain.

All you guys need to know is, still, one year on… i’m struggling.
Still, i’m sat here listening to our music while he’s celebrating his one year anniversary with the girl he loves, and still… I’m crying because any guy that approaches me isn’t worth the time of day in my eyes.

‘Some days it’s good, some days it’s okay. Most days i struggle. Behind the smile, behind the laughter i wish i had you there by my side to hold me, to tell me you love me and that everything will all be okay. I loved you Jonathon Michael William Barkley. At one stage i wanted you to be mine for life, today Jenna wants you to be hers. And i have no say in whats to come. I suppose,… i hope your truely happy and i hope if not, you’ll find the one.’
- Stacebaked ©
17/10/2011   01:26